Short and sweet update

I haven't posted since April.......and other than this post I won't post on a regular until the beginning Sept.



Talk to yall in 3-4 wks.  

Well I have some Catching up to do....Part 1 or 3

Well damn,  I did not realize I had not posted since January.  Good Lawd.....part of the reason was that a blogger I follow gave the advice to all bloggers that we copyright our words.  Which is great but after research this required a lawyer.  Ummmmm I have a family attorney but I don't have funds for that so...PAUSE!!! on the blog.


But well I have a lot of pent of shit in my mind and I need to fuckin vent....so here I am....my life is not that interesting in my opinion to be stolen....I know everyone says I'm a superwoman, I'm strong yada yada yada.....I know everyone means well and I get what they are saying but honestly I feel like a fucking loser.

My life is no where, where I thought it would be.....I moved out of my mother's house at 24.  I met a man I adored and loved w/all my heart and 25 we moved in together at 27. While he was not Prince Charming and in retrospect he was a selfish lover and overall a selfish human being I loved him and I would have made it muthafuckin worked.....DO YOU HEAR ME!!! WORK!!! but it did not work out......I know I have said and I have come to the realization while I don't subscribe to any religion I believe that there is a higher power....and I did not move when I was presented the opportunity to leave.  I stayed and forgave his cheating, his slightly under handed way of putting me down (don't you think you should get breast implants, why do you wear glasses you should get contacts....a slight tap on my arm no on else at dinner saw it but I felt it...cause I went for 1 to many nacho chips). So yeah he was not the man for me.....but I was blissfully ignorant of the fact.   But anywho....I should have left when God told me and gave the opportunity....so since I didn't leave....he pushed my ass right the hell out the door.

IDK if I went over my initial diagnosis (DX) of cancer but here's a brief summary....

1. Pains in my legs and back, extremely fatigued in the beginning of August of 2008.
2. Mid to late August of 2008 went to my Primary care Physicians (PCP) 3 times in regards to the above issue (Family motto when in doubt go get it checked out) 
3. My boyfriend and his mom were suppose to go to Boston but I was too tired he went (w/my blessing)
4. My mom and sis found me on the floor unconscious (I lived in another city 2hrs away from mom) 
5. In a coma for a week while in a coma my mom would not let my boyfriend in to see me...words were exchanged (to this day no one will tell me what was said but I'm betting some pretty mean and unkind words) 
6. I wake up week 2.
7. My boyfriend is allowed in the room he sleeps in the room w/me for the entire week giving my mom a break......
8. I was moved out of my apartment during the hospital stay and moved back to my home town....OH YEAH 
9.  
10. My boyfriend and I maintain our relationship I come up every weekend.  
11. We break up March of 2009 only reason I'm giving is he cannot forgive my mother because of how she treated him while I was in the hospital..... 
12. The End of an era!

Well this seems like a good place to end....this post I'll post the rest of this Ketchup (get it get catch up hahaha I'm corny) LOL.......

Seriously I'll post again in a couple of days and catch up from 2009-2015 and an update on the now defunct work crush...... 

Till next time
Thanks for reading.....

Radiation prep.....last week and this week...

Well Monday January 26, 2015 I start Radiation therapy.

I had to get prepped for it last week they put me in  CT scan to make sure they know where to target the x-rays.....




They put these sticker things on me....one on my stomach one on my right hip and one on my left hip..... This is one of them.....

Yesterday (1/24/15) I went and got tattoos (not the fun ones lil pin pricks) 

Dating

I'm currently thinking about interviewing a white dude for the position of maintance man {MM (see glossary for definition).  One of my friends says I need to interview for a boyfriend and this is the truth (I love it when friends tell the truth fuck your feelings, that's a good friend) and she's right I should be interviewing for a boyfriend.  I however think at this point I'm not going to find a boyfriend.  

I know, I know....I shouldn't speak this into existence but I'm tired of having first dates....maybe second dates....but then it goes no fucking where.....(SN: I like the curse word fuck because it gets your point across.) So anyways I talked to a couple of friends both male and female.  

I told my one male friend who is friend I happen to have sex with but neither of us have a desire to be more than friends.  Well anyway....I told him I think I've been telling men to quick that I have an illness.  Even before the myeloma spreading....I still had it and I was going to get to do the Autologous bone marrow transplant until I was in my 40's because it kills the eggs in the ovaries.  

My therory was:  If I was with a person for 6 years we were talking marriage left me because of my illness, my mother and the fact that I may not be able to give him a child.  Then I should tell a man upfront that I had cancer then he can leave before I get my heart broke again.....

My friend said....and I know he is right but I really don't want to feel that heartache again.  It was a horrible feeling and typing about it is making me feel sad becaue I was devasted it was like the cherry on top of digusting fucking sundae. 

His Advice: 

Take your time have fun and be cautious. 

Don't look towards the future look at the moment.

Have fun live your life.

When it's time then do it.

Great advice right? But I can't even get past the first fucking date....maybe I talk to much...maybe I'm too sarcastic....I really don't know what the fuck the issue is. '

So that is why I'm interviewing for an MM....I haven't had sex in 6 months.....masturbating is for the birds....Yeah I get off but there is nothing like a man giving you the extreme business.....

YES LAAAAWD!!!!

So the long and short of it is yes I do want a boyfriend but I don't think I'll have one....so while I'm looking I'll interview for a MM so I can relieve some stress.

My fears......

I was taught not to speak things into existence. Meaning don't say I won't find a job....if you say that then you have already defeated yourself.  This got me thinking....How am I suppose to voice my fears.  If I say I am scared of XYZ.....am I speaking XYZ into existence.

Well I'm going to say no I am not.  It's just saying what I am afraid of I pray that my fears don't come true but my fears are real and it makes me sad sometimes so here are my fears.....

1. I will not live to see 50. 
1. I have this fear because I always get some obscure disease or the worse thing about the disease I get....I swear I got the trash portion of the DNA chain. 
1. Take my type of cancer....Multiple Myeloma....(Google it....I'll wait) Just kidding....this disease is an old white man disease....I am not a man, white or old...but somehow....I have MM....riFUCKINdiculus. 
2. My doctor told me in his 15yrs of specializing this disease only he has had only three......THREE damn patients where this fucking disease has spread...and I'm one of the damn three....LIKE REALLY WTF!!!
2. I also fear that I will never find THE ONE.....(insert evil laugh)
1. Seriously I do....I've been single for 5yrs and when I tell people this I get the WHY question.  I know people jump in and out of relationships......I don't I may be seeing someone but until we have the discussion on where we stand we are not in a relationship....
2. How can you get in a relationship w/out talking about status....that's how confusion happens and feelings get hurt.  And if your messing w/the wrong person it could get your ass killed......#truth....

Those are my fears....

See I don't think that is speaking into existence....it's just a fear I have I think it's natural for me to feel this way....Oh well 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I will speak this into existence.....

NONE OF MY FEARS WILL HAPPEN....

I WILL PRAY THAT THESE FEARS LEAVE ME 

AND I WILL FIND LOVE....

I WILL SEE 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY PAST 50. 

Do you have fears.....?

Comment below.....might as well become interactive..... If I don't like what you have to say I'll delete it....I'm petty sometimes....

Admit and embrace the negative aspects of your personality....they are there for a reason.....

WTF is the point of this blog.... LOL

Ok maybe I took the criticism too hard....I loathe criticism.  Who doesn't but I take it to heart and while 90% of the time I am not sensitive.....the 10% that I am OHHHH boy.....well I read the criticism to my sister and she was like....uh it's nothing bad they are just asking you questions....so I guess I understand what they were trying to say.....
So I will take what they said and apply some of it to the blog and my life.

But my take is this...yea I have cancer....but I'm not going to dwell on it........my sister articulated very well:

I have cancer, but the cancer doesn't have me. 

Meaning....I will talk about my treatment and other cancer related things....but I am not nor is this blog meant to be a WOE IS ME I have cancer feel sorry for me. 

I want people to realize that if you have cancer deal with it. Straight on but don't let it become your whole life.  If you want sex and are physically able to do it then fucking do it....Cancer is not an STD....do positions that won't injure you but by all means get it in. It'll will help relieve some of the stress that having cancer will undoubtedly cause. 

Then later I talked to one of my besties......and she knows about my lust for my co-worker and the fucked up situation he is in...and were both on the ok if maybe true but.....I won't go into the situation just trust me it's fucked up and any woman would need to go into any type of situation w/him with their eyes wide open and their heart locked and closed. That was basically the just of the conversation.  She understands what I mean when I say I sometimes need a male friend that when this cancer and the rest of life gets me down I can just cry on their chest or on their shoulder.  

I can't really do that w/my mom or sister because it will cause them to cry which will make me feel bad for making them cry....they are waaaay more emotional than I am and I truly do not need that. I wanna just cry and even if shit won't be ok.....just rub me on my back and tell me it will be ok.

She wants me to be happy and she feels bad that I am the only single one in our close group of friends.....I've talked and dated people and honestly I really don't know if it's me, them or both but it never goes anywhere.  One theory is that I was telling potential mates to quickly of my illness. Another theory is that we just didn't match.

I really don't know I just know I really am tired of being alone.  I'm tired of sporadic sex.  I want a friend, a confidant, and a compatible lover.

I've tried dating sites......and frankly they freak me out....I know it's really no different than meeting a dude on the street but.....it still freaks me out.

IDK.....I just need to get the fuck out the house....I joined a site called meetup.com...so we'll see where this goes....if all else fails I'll meet some cool people. 

My Photo Session w/Saddi Khali

It was AMAZING......

I wasn't has nervous....but I was nervous....hell who wouldn't be naked in front a strange man.....I just had one phone conversation with.....and just gave a hug to.

But I have in my own head said that I am going to do shit I've always wanted to do......I have always loved this photo of Marilyn Monroe.....

And so I've always been opened to the experience of a nude photo session.  I wanted art not porno....and that is what I got....it turned into a 2-3 hour photo/therapy session.  Things that I didn't understand by him being a stranger and no real connection with me or my life.....he was able to in away answer a question that I have been posing to myself and others for 6 yrs...(that is a long fucking time to thinking about this shit but I digress.  

The question was....Why couldn't the ex forgive my mother for how she acted while I was in a coma when there was no history of animosity between them.  And this was an extreme circumstance? He knows my mom has men issues....but she apologized.  

and the simple answer is 

Just because I've accepted someone's crazy, I shouldn't expect others to accept the crazy.

So there you have it.  

Fuck it...it was for the best.....

After talking to others over the years and dealing with other males who have worshiped, loved, rubbed and squeezed (even if it was temporary) this 200 plus pound woman's body, every curve, roll, stretch mark and cellulite dimple was appreciated. 

Yet at 140- 150 pounds the following things happened:

Asked

1. Don't you think your butt is too big?
2. Have you ever thought about getting breast implants?
3. Why don't you wear contacts?

or these things happened

1. Reaching for one too many nachos a tap on my arm....no one sees it but I feel it (signal that you're eating too much)
2. Excuse for cheating....your gaining weight. 
3. Every man cheats just accept (and I did)

So as I told the photographer I should have left when he cheated the 1st time. I should have put on my big girl draws and dealt with being a lone in a big city.....so I didn't move when God wanted me to move.....so he moved me in a very drastic way....basically telling me...."Takia move when I say move.....cause if I move you.....I'm really going to move you."

Because I have over 200 pictures.....I will periodically post some of my favorites and not so fave ones....

This is one of my faves.....I probably won't post the nude one cause this is the internet and well people are assholes.

Well until next time people.  I'll update on my radiation appointments.