My First Dr's Appt After Results

I meet w/my Oncologist.....

I'm sorry I have not disclosed the name of my cancer....it is called Multiple Myeloma....and old white man's disease....I am neither old, nor white nor a man....the exact opposite. I am fairly young late 30's, black and a female.

I absolutely love my oncologist. I do not feel like I'm just a patient. I say this because he was so concerned and wanted to see me. He saw me free of charge when I didn't have insurance.

So we meet...he is upset with the results (see not just a patient) and he's a straight shooter...he tells me the truth no chaser.

The results are bad. It is not good. (he says to me)

Ok what's game plan doc.

Because it's in my spinal fluid it will effect all nervous system things including my brain...(ok that is very scary)...(I want to cry....but my mom is with me she's crying so......I'm a soldier so no tears)

Basically my spinal fluid contains 11% of malignant cells and that is 11% tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Game Plan

1. Radiation to the spinal area (I'll learn more when I meet w/the Radiation Oncologist tomorrow) 
2. After the set amount of Radiation a Spinal Tap again...and hopefully the results will say 0% malignant cells.
3. If the cells are there (this is not good) I will have to start chemo.
1. This is where my vanity may cause me some issues....they want to put a port in my head....like WTF....in my freakin head...my head....shave some of my hair off and put an instrument in my head....I'm a girl dammit....

My mom is crying. 

I'm in my head like oh shit, shit just got real, dammit this fucking cancer may kill, but it won't cause I heal quick and I'll be OKAY!!! (Yes all of this was goin on in my head at the same time) I'm a lil off sometimes.  

But honestly I wish I had a boyfriend or a male friend who I could just lay on his chest and cry...being the rock and the level headed one can be exhausting.....If I cry my mom and sis will cry and I don't need to see that. I'll feel bad cause they will cry. I know men cry and have feeling but I tell you it's something about laying in a man's arms w/your head on their chest..... I really hate being single but I'm always....I tell you always attracted to men in really fucked up situations...